Certain Panic

Well, that is exactly what I felt yesterday as we hit another milestone. This isn't one of those happy, amazing milestones, but rather one that strikes fear into a new parent's heart. Yesterday afternoon, while disposing of a dirty diaper, Sophia decided -okay, so it wasn't intentional -to roll off the change table. Yup, this mom turned her back for less than thirty seconds only to have her first born tumble through the air. As I turned back to pick up this little girl of mine, I watched in horror as she fell slow motion off the table and on to the floor. Her back hit the carpet first and then her head. You know, babies do bounce. After a moment of shock for both of us, Sophia started to cry and I did my best to keep myself from joining her. This all happened while I was at home alone, and knew I couldn't reach David for he was in class. But I tried him at any rate, with no luck. Then I had to figure out who to call next. Mom! She would know what to do, after all both my brother and I had taken tumbles off the bathroom counter onto the hard floor below. I got through, but was quickly told that they were on the phone with Airmiles trying to book tickets for the baptism. They would call me back.

What to do!?! Finally, I got ahold of David and he calmed me down and tried to get home as soon as he could. After that, Mom called and told me what to check --are her pupils the same dilation, are they responsive, is she moving all right, are there any bumps on her head? Bumps on her head!? I checked her over and she seemed okay -just really, really mad at me. Honestly, what kind of mother could I be if my child could roll off the change table! Anyway, she remained fussy for part of the evening -which I was totally okay with. After a bit of Infant Tylenol and some food and cuddling, she settled down. No lingering side affects -she roused when pestered when sleeping -this is a good sign and probably the only time I will intentionally wake her up like that. Today she is happy and smiley. Whew, what a relief. And she seems to have forgiven me.

Now, can I forgive myself? After some consultation with other mother figures in my life (mainly my mom and my mother-in-law) I have come to the conclusion that accidents of this sort are a part of early parenting and are almost a rite of passage. I know it will take a while for me to get the image of my daughter falling out of my mind, but they will fade. I need to be thankful that she's okay and that she's happy today. Nothing happened to her more than some shock. And I am not the horrible mother I think I am. Every kid has been bumped, dropped or thunked at some point. Heck, if I can fall on to the linoleum floor in the bathroom, and be okay afterwards (no comments from the peanut gallery) then there is no reason to worry over Sophia.

Afterall, she has enough to worry about already ..... :)